How to Show Up for People You Love
by WITHIN teacher Tessa Jonson
It took a few moments to realize that the sound disturbing my much needed slumber was my alarm going off. It was 3:30 am. I reached across the semi-deflated air mattress to silence the incessant “Ripples” coming out of my phone, knowing that the sooner I got up, the sooner I could get back to sleep before the “Ripples” came to wake me again at 6:30. It didn’t make it any easier, but it was the best incentive I could think of.
Why was my alarm going off every 3 hours all night and all day for two weeks?
Because I was showing up.
Sometimes, you just gotta show up. I mean that in two ways:
1. Taking action, even if you don’t want to and
2. Simply being there for someone
In this instance, I was showing up in both ways. I was staying with one of my closest friends Roberta in Toronto helping her through the incomprehensible trauma of a double mastectomy - having both her breasts and a bunch of lymph nodes surgically removed - in an attempt to remove the breast cancer. The surgeon placed some plastic tubing that drained the fluid that would normally circulate through the now-removed lymph nodes into these “bulb” containers. My primary job was to remove the bulbs, document the amount of fluid in each, then empty and reattach them to the tubes every three hours, ideally without waking Roberta.
I can honestly say that I did not want to do this - both of my sisters are nurses and I’m not, for good reason! - but I knew that I absolutely had to. I also knew that it was really the most I could do for her, and I was grateful that she asked, so I showed up.
To me, “showing up” is a one way energy output. It means giving time, space, and attention for someone else without expecting anything in return.
It means putting your ego aside and letting someone else take up all the space they need to. It means doing what needs to be done, not what you want to do or what is comfortable.
The more familiar of the two meanings, taking action even when you don’t want to, can take many forms. It could be facing your fear of public speaking and giving a toast at your best friend’s wedding or being brave and standing up for your sister when her demeaning boyfriend makes a rude comment. It could be emptying those lymph drainage bulb things every three hours. You show up, even though it’s uncomfortable, because it’s the right thing to do.
The second meaning, just being there for someone, is one that most folks probably have less experience with and the one I’d like to focus more on now. This kind of showing up is a non-action, which can be incredibly difficult.
As a natural problem solver, when someone comes to me with an issue, I want to provide solutions, advice, or a path out of their current predicament. But I’ve realized that’s not always what people are looking for.
This comes with the territory of being a “space holder” as a yoga and meditation teacher in particular. Oftentimes after class, students linger. I have now learned that all they want at that point is for me to continue holding the space for them to talk through something or share an experience they had. They don’t want me to give them tips or to explain the emotional implications of their experience (which isn’t for me as the teacher to do anyways). They just want to be heard.
I learned this from Roberta too - here I thought I was mostly showing up to take care of her physically, but what she also needed even more was to have someone there who would give her space to do what she needed to do and be who she needed to be in order to make sense of things. Lord knows I couldn’t do a thing to make a diagnosis of stage 3 breast cancer at age 32 more palatable. But I could show up and create a safe place for her to process internally and out loud - and without unsolicited advice or judgements or pick-me-ups.
As I said, it’s very challenging to just hold space and listen. I think this is simply because most of us have very little experience of it - as the holder or the held. In fact, our culture has taught us that “if you’re not doing something, then you’re not doing anything!!”
We’ve been taught to ignore our instincts and to always be proactive - so instead of just listening, we offer advice, find the silver lining, make a plan, do do do.
The lack of experience communicating this way also means that we often don’t know how to ask someone to just listen, and we might not even know that’s what we need! For example, maybe you wanted to talk to someone but were scared that they’d judge you or tell you what to do about it or worst of all, start telling you about a time when they had a (not so similar) problem…
It’s kind of crazy how difficult it can be to find someone that you can trust to just be there for you, to hold space for you to do what you need to do. So now I’m asking you to be that person, to lead by example and show other people how to hold space so that this can be a communication problem of the past.
Here are my top three tips for how to just show up:
(1) Be fully present.
This primarily means LISTEN. Just listen. Get rid of any distractions that take you away from fully showing up for the person who needs you to. Tell other folks that you’re busy and not to be disturbed. This person is trusting you to be a safe place for them to tell you something sensitive, to perhaps say something out loud for the first time. So look them in the eyes and show them in every way that you can that you are fully there for them.
(2) Listen to your intuition, not your ego.
Our ego gives us a sense of “I” and this can mean that “I” want to be the center of attention or that “I” must show how enlightened I am by offering sage wisdom. Everyone has an ego, there’s no need to destroy or demonize it but there is a need to lock it away sometimes. Remember, this “showing up” is not about you - it is entirely about them.
Now is the time however, to listen to your intuition. This might not be something you do very often and it will probably feel awkward and unreliable at first, but this inner voice will strengthen with use. Listen and act when your gut says that they need a hug or a peppermint tea. You can always ask “Can I give you a hug?”** if you’re unsure (I don’t think I’ve ever had someone say no to that question - we are starved for touch these days). You’ll be amazed at how much you can hear from intuition when you pay attention.
(3) Be okay with silence.
This one took me the longest to learn and might be the most challenging of all. It is extremely rare in these times to have any silence whatsoever, let alone with another person. So it can be extremely uncomfortable to sit in silence with someone - but that’s okay. The point of this isn’t to be comfortable, the point is to create space for someone else and they will probably be more comfortable with you there. (Again, if you’re really not sure just ask “Is it okay if I sit with you?”**) They might be seething, or crying, or curled in a ball. It doesn’t matter. They matter. Be the person that sits beside them, accepts them just as they are, and doesn’t need to know anything else about the situation. You are there, and that’s enough because sometimes, all you can do is just show up.
**A note about question-asking that I learned from teaching yoga. It’s easier for someone to accept an offer than to say yes to something even if they want it. So phrasing the question, “Can I give you a hug?” gives them the opportunity to just accept, versus asking “Do you want a hug?” gives them a decision to make. They can of course say no, and very well might, but make it as easy as possible for them to say yes when your intuition is telling you it’s something they want.
Tessa teaches occasionally in our online meditation studio - join her for a class!