Using Mindfulness to Work Through Your Kids' (And Your) Big Emotions
by WITHIN Community Manager Tasha Brown
My children are 9 and 12 years old, a boy and a girl respectively. They couldn’t be more different in personality, likes and dislikes, body type, gender -- and at the same time, they are more similar to one another than different in how they are connected by this human experience and consciousness, as are we all.
And, like other children across the globe, my children are living through a pandemic which has taken its toll on their well being. In response to the challenges of these times and the challenges of life without a pandemic (those can be tough to handle too!), I have fallen back on mindfulness and meditation tools for my family to live our lives with more presence, to improve our relationships, and to manage the big emotions that are an inevitable outcome of being human.
Below is one tool I use often with my children (and myself!) to get in touch with feelings and thoughts in a way that puts them in the spotlight, so that they can be seen with curious attention and then offered a nurturing response.
What’s so powerful about this practice is that it is the child (or adult) themselves that is encouraged to come up with what that nurturing response looks like, and therefore they practice and learn how to be their own best friend or most wise coach that will stay with them throughout their lives.
Sometimes your child needs to be left alone and given the space to work through emotions, and sometimes they might need a guide to help them learn ways to work through them. This is something you will have to feel into and decide which way to go and often your child’s response can lead the way - “mom I want to be alone right now” or “I don’t want to talk about it right now” - these are good indicators that they need space.
Other times, it can be skillful to give a helping hand. Recently, my son was very upset about being the new kid at school (yes, we decided to move during a pandemic!) and much of his self talk was negative. He would say things like “no one likes me at school” and “everyone is ignoring me”.
Without him realizing it, I started to walk him through a mini mindfulness RAIN practice (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture), out loud, so that he could work through these feelings and thoughts.
First I asked him if he could notice the feelings and emotions he was having? Could he put a name to them? This is the R or recognize in RAIN. Sometimes you might make suggestions if the child is struggling to recognize which feelings they are having. You could also show them an emotion wheel so they can choose their feeling or consider these great dolls from FeelLinks that give the child a tactile and visual way to choose which emotion they’re having.
Going further and even if he couldn't name them could he just let them be there? I offered to him to say to himself “This is here. This belongs. No judgment.” or “Yes, it’s ok for this to be here and I can hold it.” This is the A or allow in RAIN. You might offer a metaphor for this, as kids are creative and imaginative. How about noticing their feelings wash over and move around them like they are at the beach? Or, come up with a metaphor that speaks to your child and is something they interact with often in their own life so it is relatable.
Next, what could he feel happening in his body? What sensations were the feelings and emotions producing? Tightness, burning, aching, pressure? Where? What is he believing that might be leading to these feelings? How do those beliefs feel in the body? Are those thoughts true? Who would he be without those beliefs? I offered that he be kind to himself as gets curious about his experience. This is the I or investigate in RAIN, and the key is to help the child notice how their emotions show up in their bodies.
Finally, how could he be with the emotions and feelings? What do they most need? Could he give himself some kindness? What would that look like? What would he tell a friend or loved one who was experiencing what he is experiencing? Could he offer that same message to himself? This is the N or nurture in RAIN. It can often be helpful at this point to remind your child that any human might have these same feelings in the given situation. This helps to make the experience less of a lonely and personal one, and more of a shared experience, which can lead to a feeling of connection and understanding.
The steps of RAIN are very fluid, and sometimes someone moves quickly from one to the other. They also overlap, and that’s ok. The idea is to get comfortable with seeing feelings and emotions, giving them the respect they desire to be acknowledged and felt. Then, it’s possible to investigate them and the thoughts behind them to find a wise nurturing response.
Simply explained, RAIN is a meditative approach to managing feelings and having a healthful response to them.
In our RAIN practice with his feelings around being new at school, my son realized that the most nurturing response would be to say to himself “I am awesome and lots of kids like me”. A couple days later he came home with a big smile on his face realizing how much his positive self-talk, and questioning of the belief that no one likes him, positively influenced his behavior around the kids at school. Of course, I was ecstatic to see that he found his own advice had made such a difference in his life and helped himself cope.
I’ve found doing this kind of practice with a child is more effective when it’s a conversation, versus a silent meditation as is often done with adults. It feels like my daughter who just turned 12 is about ready to try this as a guided meditation silently but my 9 year old is still a ways off and we continue to do it out loud for now.
What’s most important about trying to have a RAIN conversation with your child is that you yourself have experienced a RAIN meditation and have worked through your own feelings and emotions in the same way.
It’s much harder to effectively facilitate or teach what you don’t practice yourself. Try a recorded audio RAIN meditation with me; or, contact us at sit@withinmeditation.com to find out which of our next live online classes will offer RAIN meditation.
Working on emotional intelligence for the whole family leads to healing, wisdom, and an environment of growth & nurturing!